Taking on a parenting role at 25 is something I never anticipated. Although B and I aren’t yet married, and the kids are not with us full time, I take my role in their lives very seriously, and they’re constantly at the forefront of my mind and decision making.

When I met B, M was 10 and J was 7. I found out B had kids almost immediately after I met him, when I asked about his tattoo, which includes their birthdates. I was in disbelief when he told me their ages. I had never considered dating a guy with kids, and as we became more serious, I began to realize how big of a deal it was to be involved in their lives. It was almost 6 months into dating when I finally met the kids, no one B had dated previously had ever met them.

As  a social worker, I field questions and tackle problems with kids and parents daily, but taking my own suggestions has been much harder than I ever anticipated. I have nannied and babysat as long as I’ve been able to and I work with kids — tough kids at that, everyday. I’ve cooked, cleaned, wiped more noses and butts than I can count. But that’s not what M and J need me for. They’re old enough to pour their own cereal and brush their own teeth.

They need me to help shape them into good people.

How do you DO that?

Kids learn best through modeling, they look at the people around them for clues about what they should say and do… and research shows that the same sex parent is the strongest model. Official parent or not, I need to lead by example. This realization brought on a whole host of anxieties, and even more questions. Do my values match my words and actions? Better yet, what are my values?

Everyday, I need to try to be the best version of myself, I need to be conscious of everything I say and do. Little eyes are watching and little ears are listening.

I would like to think that I have always been a glass half full kind of person. In the worst of times, I strive to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the lesson I will learn from the hardship. Fortunately, this comes in very handy at work, where we can sometimes encounter very challenging people and bleak situations. In grad school, we were taught “positive reframing.” Basically, taking something many would see as negative, and trying to find the positive in it. If someone calls you bossy, a positive reframe would be to think Oh, that means I have good leadership skills. This take lots of practice.

Along with that glass half full mentality, I try to always look for the good in people. This part of my nature has gotten me into trouble (read: devastated me) in the past. Or, maybe it’s just that good people are capable of doing bad things. The jury is still out, in my book. Either way, this tendency has blinded me to some serious red flags before. BUT, on a positive note, noticing the good in people is another helpful quality to have at work! Did I go into this profession because I have that tendency, or do I have that tendency because of my work? The world may never know. Regardless, we’re taught to maintain unconditional positive regard with our clients. That is, when your client is being an asshole, you must never admit that. You must always look for the good in your client, and allow them to see that good, sometimes despite all evidence to the contrary.

We all have those people in our lives, the ones who constantly dwell on the negative. You can spend hours trying to convince them that the sky is blue. Let’s call them the “yes, buts.” A conversation with the yes, buts usually goes something like this:

You: “Don’t be so down on yourself! You’re SO good at A, B, C.”

Yes But: “Yes, but… *insert reasons they feel they suck at life*”

Goes on and on for several minutes/hours/days/years

These conversations are exhausting, to say the least.

Mental health issues aside, some people are just negative, Regardless of your unconditional positive regard. Give yourself permission to separate from those negative people. Try not to let someone else’s complexes affect you. One of my favorite sayings goes something like- It’s okay to be happy with a calm life.

 

There will always be someone that seems to have more than you. More money, the latest gadget, the fancy new purse, the top of the line car. And you know what? They can carry that brand new phone in that flawless designer handbag on the passenger seat of their fully loaded car and still be miserable. It can be easy to get caught up in the rat race of it all, but to me, happiness starts internally.

Until you’re grateful for the things you do have, for the people you have, for your LIFE for that matter, nothing will ever be enough. When you practice gratitude in your life, you notice the small, beautiful things around you. THAT is the life lesson I want to impart to the kids.

 

Challenge yourself to reframe potentially negative situations. Strive to maintain unconditional positive regard with yourself. Keep good people around you, grateful people. Identify your values, and surround yourself with those that have similar ones. Keep those around you that you admire, that you want to be like. In your inevitable “yes, but” times, these are the people and things that will fill you up.