I have trouble sleeping. It’s been a problem on and off for a few years. I’ve taken prescription medicine, I’ve tried over the counter stuff, aromatherapy, various teas, yoga before bed, reading, writing, watching tv. Nothing seems to do the trick. Typically, I get up and move to the couch, maybe get a drink of water, curl up with a big blanket in the living room and usually within 30 minutes or an hour, I’m able to fall back asleep.

Sometimes I just can’t slow my brain down.

My long commute helps with decompressing after work, that’s one thing I will credit it with. I’m also pretty good at compartmentalizing: separating work-life issues, I usually don’t “take a lot of it home,” despite some of the terrible things I hear and deal with day-to-day. But yesterday I woke up at 4:00am, tried all my usual tricks, save going downstairs, because there was B, laying next to me, breathing LOUDLY through his mouth. Part of me wanted to give him a good hard shove, how dare he interrupt my precious sleep? He knows how hard it is for me to stay asleep! He should realize how obnoxious he is being and he should cut that shit out! But, no. I looked at him, mouth breathing in the dim orange light coming in from the parking lot and I thought- In a few days, I’ll miss this mouth breathing. I will miss the comfort of knowing he’s next to me. I can handle this loud breathing and waking up at this ungodly hour because it means that he is here…and as long as he is here, I’m okay.  (Of course, in a logical sense I know that’s not true. I know that I am OK no matter what, in fact I think that will be my new mantra– you are OK). However, B will be traveling a lot over the next few months. He will be home from time to time, but we don’t have a good idea of when or for how long. Suffice it to say we have to have a very “go with the flow” attitude.

So there I was, laying in my bed at 4:00 on a Tuesday morning (luckily I had an unconventional start time at work that day due to the snow) and I had all these thoughts come to me about this post. Mouth-breathing for the win, again!

Relationships are hard.

I consider myself something of a serial monogamist. Since I was of a dating age, I have almost always been in a serious (or what I considered serious at the time) long term relationship. Almost all of high school with one guy, almost all of college with another, a year and a half with another, and going on three years with B now. I was single from time to time in between relationships but, for the most part, it was uncomfortable and I don’t think I was very good at it. I am at my best when I am in a relationship, and I consider myself a good girlfriend.

When we were in New Orleans, I said something dumb (if you actually know me, this is not at all shocking). We met a lovely family traveling from Australia, 2 guys about my age and their Dad. The one guy and I bonded, talking about music festivals, something B and I love as well. He started telling me about his partner, and how they fell in love at a music festival and have been traveling ever since. I immediately took this to mean he was gay, and I asked about marriage rights in Australia (open mouth-insert foot). Why did I think he was gay? Because he used the word partner….Ridiculous, I know. I told B about it later, when I finally realized and was feeling foolish, and then I started thinking about how beautiful it is to call your significant other your partner.

Partner implies respect, equality, the yin to your yang, the strength to your weakness. Partner implies teamwork, and isn’t that what everyone wants out of a relationship?

Despite my monogamous track record, I know for certain that this relationship is the only one I have had that has been a true partnership. Prior to B, I always experienced an uneven balance of power, to say the least. I am the best version of myself with B. I could go on and on, but I’ll save that for another post.

Inevitably, when you’re binding your life to another’s, there are bound to be obstacles. They come in many forms : moves, career changes, financial issues, health problems, family drama, religious or political disagreements, ethical dilemmas, etc etc.  Problems arise when one person perceives something to be an obstacle, either for themselves or for the relationship, and the other person disagrees, wants to approach the obstacle in a different way, or doesn’t want to deal with the obstacle at all.

What may be an obstacle to one person may not be to another.

When I was in a grad school, I interned at an independent living facility, a program for kids who were aging out of foster care. Some kids had been “in the system” their whole lives, others were relatively new, and these kids were tough. For the most part, they didn’t trust you and they definitely didn’t like you. People hadn’t been good to them, and you weren’t going to be the exception, you bright eyed-bushy tailed wannabe-social worker. *sigh* Anyway, in this program, you weren’t allowed to say the word “problem”, instead you were encouraged to replace that word with “challenge.”

I hated that internship, but I love that mentality.

What one person perceives as a problem, another person can see as a challenge. It’s all about perspective.

I intend to treat my relationship as a partnership. If and when I perceive a challenge, I will approach my partner, and we will decide how to deal with it together, and I hope that he will do the same for me. If we strive for this from the beginning , I know that we will be OK.